I’ve been living a lonely life

I’ve been trying to do it right

I’ve been living a lonely life

I’ve been sleeping here instead

I’ve been sleeping in my bed

So show me family

All the blood that I would bleed

I don’t know where I belong

I don’t know where I went wrong

But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me

You’re my sweetheart

I belong with you, you belong with me

–The Lumineers

 

Owning a dog has brought some unpleasant realities (turns out they like to destroy toilet paper just like cats).  However, one of the many pleasant surprises has been how having a dog seems to immediately make one appear friendly and approachable. People just….talk to you when you have a dog.  In our walks over the past six days, Penny and Dr. J and I have met many other dogs and owners, including one particularly memorable guy who stopped his car on our street so his dogs could “meet” Penny and he could give her a MilkBone. Weird but sweet, I guess.

I’m the person who goes down the other aisle in Kroger so I don’t have to talk to someone I know.  So you can understand why people randomly talking to me is….new.

All of this spontaneous dog-based communication is interesting, since for the past two years I’ve been obsessed with the shitshow that is infertility. Infertility is such a lonely thing. Infertility is the opposite of taking your dog for a walk in the park. Infertility is sitting alone in your room trying to write a book in a language you don’t speak.

I chose to be open with everyone about my reproductive issues, which was the right choice for me. It’s not the right choice for everyone, but knowing that everyone knew helped me feel supported by my community of choice.  Even with all the support from family and friends, though, infertility still sucks. It’s  an isolating experience because every case is unique and every outcome is so entirely dependent on one single human body – I can empathize with someone else experiencing infertility of any kind, but I can never completely understand what they’re feeling, and vice versa.  Especially during the IVF, even with Dr. J being as incredibly supportive and awesome as he could, I felt as though I were carrying the emotional weight alone – particularly since my body seemed to be the problem.

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3 thoughts on “I’ve been living a lonely life

  1. Yes. To all. It’s kind of amazing how much of this post I relate to. Avoiding people I know at the grocery store included. Maybe that’s why I’m more of a cat person?

    And I definitely get the loneliness. Because no one else–even those who’ve had similar experiences–can know what it’s like for you. Hugs.

    Also–love that song.

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