And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I’m gonna let it happen to me
–Florence + The Machine
Without going into too much detail, I’m getting ready to make a big change in the next few months. I’m transitioning into a new career, which is going to be exciting (for me) but stressful (for me and Dr. J). It will also mean the loss of my salary, which is about half our income. (Hence the “stressful” part.) However, if I don’t do it now, I probably never will. So.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years thinking about how I wanted to live my adult life. At this point, within firing range of my “mid-thirties”, I thought I’d be married, living in a big Northeastern city, working in a professional capacity, and thinking about whether to have one or two children. So it’s amusing to find myself living in a small Southern city, getting ready to start over as a broke-ass grad student, and knowing that children are off the table. At least the “married” part worked out. (Though even that was in doubt for a while…)
I hate that I’m only able to make this career change because we can’t have children. I wish the reason were happier. On the other hand, though, I suppose I should be grateful that at least one or two good things have come out of the past thirty months of Infertility Awfulness.